my dad is such a fucking grouch. especially recently.
sometimes, i get so fucking sick and tired of this house.. i wish im dead.
i love everyone at home alot. (not only home, even those at parkview and newyork.)
but everyone is just so bitter. so am i. why cant we be a ohsohappy family?

the last time we had a family dinner was 22nd december 2003.
that was also the last time we took a family picture. till this day, the picture is still in my wallet. i dont know how things turned out this way. perhaps its God's will. but sometimes i get so angry and pissed with God because he is making me go through all this shit. but then again, its just me being selfish and self centered. but, God.. why? how did things turn out this way? i look at us now, and my heart aches. but there is nothing i can do. okay maybe perhaps there is. but i am so fucking tired of trying. i suck at being the middle person. i am so sick and tired i want to get out of this place and not come back.

i have the greatest mom in the entire world. no one comes close.
i also have the most giving sister.

sometimes i feel so blessed. sometimes i feel like im cursed.

seeing tasha shiver and cry just now broke my heart. again, i question.. why her? she is such a clever and active 5 year old girl. this is her third time being admitted to the hospital in a year. shes my sweet lil girl who says and does the sweetest things at times. her temperature was about 41 d. that is so fucking bad. why her.. why tash? that poor girl hasnt eaten icecream or drank cold drinks in months. i still remember the joy on her face the last time she was allowed to eat icecream.

tash, i love you okay.? please be strong. for your mommy and daddy. for your lil sis who is waiting for you at home. for us. okay? when you get well i will bring you for a movie and buy you toys. just be strong for now okay baby?